Help with University IT application!

Anything that's nothing to do with music.
cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Help with University IT application!

Postby cjhealey » Fri Jul 27, 2007 3:01 am

Well my school is nominating myself and four others for full scholarships at the local university, one of which will be accepted.

As my grades are not the best of the 5 students, I need to make sure that my personal statement makes a significant impact on them.

If you have any advice to offer, please do so ASAP!

Personal Statement

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. “
Rick Cook

Having always found myself being both confident and comfortable with computers and modern technology it came as no real surprise that I excelled in all areas of Information Processing and Technology and have received several Major Academic Awards as a result. However, this is not to say that I am an expert user, merely that I am capable of listening, experimenting and learning quickly.

I am aware that my current academic results may not appear entirely indicative of absolute excellence, which I attribute predominately to the contrasting nature of my subjects. However, I think that my foray into such a diversity of subjects has ultimately prepared me for real-life challenges where as study in my best areas alone would have left me with a superficial and significantly limited knowledge base.
As I stand now, I have a significantly broad knowledge base, which I believe will ultimately allow me to excel in all areas of the courses that I have applied for.

My leadership role as well as my participation in school musicals, three school bands, the St. Vincent De Paul Society and various other school groups and events have significantly reduced the amount of time for which I can currently allocate to academic endeavours. However, once again, this participation has award me with experiences which I feel will ultimately be necessary to achieve success at Griffith University.

Nevertheless, Information Technology has always been something that interested me and in particular, I found a strong interest in programming and database construction. I am, in fact, currently designing and creating a database for actual school use, which is both a great privilege and an exciting undertaking.

With the aforementioned in mind, it is my hope that I may be granted the unsurpassable opportunity of continuing my study of Information Technology with the use of Griffith University’s excellent facilities


Sincerely,



Help me out please!

THANKYOU!!!
Chris :-)

aruffo
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Postby aruffo » Fri Jul 27, 2007 5:19 pm

A couple bits...

I'm reading this as mainly drawing attention to the fact that your grades are not the best. They already know that; you can probably write the positive facts and let them infer the rest.. yes?

Another linguistic trick... I've always kept in mind that whenever you say "but" (or "however" or the like) you invalidate whatever came before. Additionally, note that using a double negative feels, well, more negative than using a single positive.

cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Postby cjhealey » Fri Jul 27, 2007 5:24 pm

Ok.
Thanks

and by the way, what is your opinion on the quote?

Chris :-)
Last edited by cjhealey on Fri Jul 27, 2007 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Postby cjhealey » Fri Jul 27, 2007 5:36 pm

Having always found myself being both confident and comfortable with computers and modern technology it came as no real surprise that I excelled in all areas of Information Processing and Technology and have received several Major Academic Awards as a result. However, this is not to say that I am an expert user, merely that I am capable of listening, experimenting and learning quickly.

I am currently undertaking a diversity of subject and am filling various leadership roles throughout the school. I believe that my foray into such a variety of subjects has ultimately prepared me for real-life challenges where as study in my best areas alone would have left me with a superficial and significantly limited knowledge base.
As I stand now, I have a broad foundation of knowledge and experience to build on, which I believe will ultimately allow me to excel in all areas of the courses that I have applied for.

My leadership role as well as my participation in school musicals, three school bands, the St. Vincent De Paul Society and various other school groups and events has once again awarded me with experiences which I feel will ultimately be necessary to achieve the utmost success at Griffith University.

Nevertheless, Information Technology has always been a subject that fascinated me and in particular, I’ve found a strong interest in programming and database construction. I am, in fact, currently designing and creating a database for actual school use, which is both a great privilege and an exciting undertaking.

With the aforementioned in mind, it is my hope that I may be granted the unsurpassable opportunity of continuing my study of Information Technology with the use of Griffith University’s excellent facilities.


How about that then?

aruffo
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Postby aruffo » Sat Jul 28, 2007 5:23 pm

I realized that it would probably be just as much effort to explain what I'd want to rewrite as it would to just rewrite it.. so here's a revision. I'm not saying that this is what you should write, but I expect you can see the changes I made and probably understand why.

I’ve always been confident and comfortable with computers and modern technology. As I work toward becoming an expert user, I have excelled in Information Processing and Technology; my efforts have been recognized with awards such as [list awards here]. I enjoy experimenting, and I listen and learn quickly.

I am currently designing and creating a database for use by [name of school]. Working on this project is a privilege and an exciting learning experience, and the process has reinforced both my fascination with programming and my strong interest in Information Technology.

Although I am particularly focused on Information Technology, I am not exclusively limited to IT. I have studied a variety of diverse subjects to prepare myself for the challenges of "real life"; I have also participated in school musicals, three school bands, the St. Vincent DePaul Society, and other school events, incorporating the knowledge and experience with my strongest skills to develop a broader and more sophisticated understanding of the world around me-- with or without computers.

[specifics about how I behave or have performed in moments of leadership]

I am eager to continue my studies of Information Technology at Griffith University, and I look forward to excelling in the courses to which I have applied.

cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Postby cjhealey » Mon Jul 30, 2007 4:23 am

WOW!!!

Thank you so much. That reads excellently except for one small phrase:

I have studied a variety of diverse subjects


Which is probably a personal trait only.

Nevertheless, I am not one to shoot the gift horse in the foot, and so I reiterate my thanks!

*You Rock* haha (The sophistication of modern expressions betrays in me a woeful ignorance :lol: )


Chris :-)

cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Postby cjhealey » Mon Jul 30, 2007 5:21 am

Here is what I have substituted into the [Specifics about how is behave...] section


As an active participant in many aspects of the Aquinas College community, there have been several times when my leadership has been called upon. I value these opportunities and always endeavour to give my utmost wherever possible. Perhaps my most appreciable quality, however, is my ability to thrive in the midst of chaos and find direction in the most untowardly situation.


First of all, how can i get rid of 'however' in the third sentence? I never realised how attached to that word i was until i tried not to use it lol

Secondly, thank you again for your help! It is hugely appreciated.

Chris :-)

aruffo
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Postby aruffo » Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:51 pm

how can i get rid of 'however' in the third sentence

Easily said, maybe not so easily done. What you need are specific examples, to "show, don't tell", and then the entire phrase will become redundant and disappear, taking "however" with it. That is...

there have been several times

"There was [this time] when [this crisis] happened..."

when my leadership has been called upon

"I was brought in because of [this skill]"

I value these opportunities and always endeavour to give my utmost wherever possible.

"I solved the problem by [series of actions]."

aruffo
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Postby aruffo » Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:28 pm

Oh, and I can also mention...

I have studied a variety of diverse subjects


seems redundant on the face of it; "a variety of subjects" would seem to cover the issue. I realize now that the reason I included both words was to support your implication that the variety of subjects you studied were quite dissimilar; you could study a "variety" which included, say, English, Social Studies, and Literature-- but these would be less "diverse" than, say, Shipbuilding, Molecular Physics, and Abnormal Cognition.

cjhealey
Posts: 114
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 10:35 am

Postby cjhealey » Tue Jul 31, 2007 2:03 am

Thanks again, application was sent away today!

I was the only one who need no ammendments lol

Chris :-)


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